?

Log in

onofthosenights [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
onofthosenights

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2016|11:40 pm]
onofthosenights
some nights i dont feel a thing, but some nights i feel everything at once.
i wished i didnt but i do.
i dont know if im falling, but im hoping with every fibre of my being im not.
the risk is too much this time,
i know i say that everytime this happens.
but i think this time i mean it.
ive never been so comfortable around someone, ive never been so at ease.
idk, but i just hope i can mask the feelings enought for them to go away. 
LinkLeave a comment

Its been awhile [Sep. 14th, 2016|09:25 pm]
onofthosenights
It really has been awhile since ive been on here. Suddenly got reminded of this space while reading a certain celebrity's blog. Thought maybe writing out (or rather typing out) everything im going through right now may help somehow. Well, here goes.

One major thing playing on my mind as of late is how im coming to the last year of my time in the UK. It's quite difficult to actually come to terms with the fact that it's all going to be over soon. How 3 years ago, this time, i was frantically panacking yet secretly pretty excited for this whole adventure that was ahead of me. And now, it's coming to a close. I would like to think that thes years abroad have changed me as a person, but then there are times where i hold back on that statement just because there hasnt been a change significant enough that i have seen with my own eyes. Many of my seniors say that year 2 is the toughest year i will have to face during my time in law school. No doubt, it was challenging and i have to agree. Really must admit how proud i am of myself for making it through this year tho. Not to mention how i didnt just barely scrape through but i actually did well, by my standards at least. And for that, i really think it made this academic year that much more fulfilling. For once, i actually feel like i did my parents proud. But of course, getting cocky and too proud at this point isnt going to be of much help. Its what i finally graduate with that counts. Just tryna put it out there that this years results did give me hope and a slight boost of confidence.

Coming to this point where i am going to have decide on my next adventure/chapter in life. Scary how life just flies by and you make the story up as you go. No matter how much you think you have life figured out 99% of the time, shit happens, feelings unfold, opportunities surface, the list goes on. So when people ask me what my plans for the future are, i never hold back on when explaining how clueless i am about it. Because thats my plan, to make it all up as i go along. God knows if thats a good plan but heck, everything will happen for a reason. Something i've lived by for as long as i can remember. As of now, my plans are to apply to a few firms in singapore for a training contract and a RLT and see where the wind takes me? If it isnt already obvious, yes i will be doing the bar. Yes, i will try my best to get called to the bar. Not for my parents sake, not for bragging rights, just for me because i feel this will teach me one thing in life and thats to always always always finish what i start.

Firms im thinking of applying to;
1) Drew and Napier - not because i think i actually stand a chance of getting it (LOL, not me having no confidence but they really only hire first class students so) but because i interned there and i actually did really like the firm - the people the department. One of my best internships to date.

2) Rodyk - Never interned there. Dont even know what department im looking at but strings. So, we'll give it a shot.

3) KW?? - No doubt i interned there and didnt really enjoy the firm culture, but at this point, the last thing i want is to shut out options? It's not like im in the ultimate to actually reject firms and say no to them. Sounds pretty sad but ugly truth.

Needa find more small firms to apply to. Should probably try getting that done by the time i fly just so i can discuss with daddy without timezones getting in the way.

Thats about it on the "future/school" front. I've already written so much. I still have so much more to update on! Friendships, family, my spiritual path. Should i leave it for another post or should i continue? Brb, tanglin's starting soon! (yes in case future nut is reading - you were indeed obsessed with tanglin)

Back! Lets move on to friendships formed/lost this year. Little more exciting than the above.

Well for one thing's  for sure, there are some people i have drifted from tho i never expected to, and some who i am close to now whom never really were in the picture before. We'll start with B, ive spent dare i say, i shitload of time together this summer. I dont really know what im expecting out of this friendship, but all i know now is that i really do enjoy his company tho i'm still very cautious after what he pulled on me earlier this year. It's tough learning to wholly trust someone especially when you know what they are capable of. Still thankful for the good times tho, not sure how long they'll last but. Here's to the nights i'll always remember.

Then we move on to NC, didnt expect  myself to be so close to her especially towards the end of the academic year. No doubt we were in the same block and i thought i could click with her, but yet again, my intuition proves me wrong. Not that she is a bad person, she just doesnt seem genuine, our interests are way too different and i just dont like how she doesnt let me in. Sorry, but i dont do superficial friendships. Its all or nothing with me, dont know if its a good thing but yeap.

Sadly there have been a few who i have drifted from. Nic's one to name. This time last year i was so close to him but now, its nothing but a few "how are you" "how are things" and blueticks here and there. Pretty sad if you ask me, but i just feel like he isnt the same nic i knew back in year 1. Maybe i changed, maybe he changed - idk, its just not the same. I hate how someone can go from knowing everything about your daily musings one year to absolutely nothing about your life the following year. Scares the shit out of me when i think about how temporary everything is. Sometimes i think to myself.. what even is the point of putting so much effort and time into frienships when at the end of the day they can just walk out on you like you meant nothing to them. Not that nic did this, he didnt walk out on me it was a mutual drift. But, yknow, people really can just leave as they please.

Things with sha and nad, they're good. Things are definitely different with everyone on different paths and what not. But, somehow still comfortable. It always is and always has been. We're all growing in ways i never imagined, i dont know if im the only one who has noticed but, really - slowly but surely adulthod is creeping up on us. Still, ever grateful.

I think i should end this post here. Its been a reaaaaal long catch up but these are the two main things on my mind lately. Other things for sure, but for now this will suffice.

X
Nut
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2015|08:36 pm]
onofthosenights
So the other day a friend of mine said to me
"Its funny how by some strange twist of fate, we are all now here together."

And this hit me hard. Thinking about how we all came from such different lives, yet here we are now, striving for the same thing, going about the same daily motions. There was that one decision that led us here, to this exact moment in time. Minor decision, major decision - its different for everyone. Life really is something to marvel at, all the twists and turns of fate that we dont even notice. So when someone asks you - "where do you see yourself in 5 years time?" isnt it only normal not to know? I mean, anything can happen. Anyone can happen. Life just works that way. Life's basically you on a one way train with an unknown destination, unknown horizons, unknown passengers. Think about it, everyone youve ever come into contact with, from that classmate you never talk to to your best friend you can pour your heart out to - they somehow made their way into your life and you into theirs. Part of me likes to believe there's a reason behind everyone you meet. Males every human encounter slightly more special. Dont really know where i am going with this, but i do know that i am grateful for every decision i have made to date that has blessed me with the people i know today. This includes the people ive fallen out with, the people i only got close to recently and of course people ive known for practically my entire life. I should probably just end here though, because i know no matter how much i try to marvel at life, it really is unfathomable.

Still, really interesting tho - that by some strange twist of fate, we are all now here together

X
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

tainted in mediocracy [Jul. 12th, 2015|12:55 am]
onofthosenights
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]

Been having too much time on my hands this summer break, i just keep thinking and thinking. The thoughts never end really. And the part that sucks the most? Having absolutely no one to talk about it to. My mind is swarming with questions, with answers, with ideologies that'll never see the light of day.

x

Ever feel like throwing your phone away and going on a short getaway? Preferably alone? Been feeling too much of it recently. Dont get me wrong social media is everything to me but that's where the problem starts too. Everyday, i'm constantly being bombarded with the feeling of inadequacy. Im never going to look like her, im not going to be as accomplished as him, im never going to make it that far. Thanks to social media projecting the best of people's lives. Their travels, their graduations, their  family time. I know everyone has their fair share of problems and for me to be so affected by what others posts is pretty.... weak (for lack of a better word) But sometimes i just wish i could be one of those girls who's read every book there is, has opinions on every movie played and memorised lyrics to a list of never ending songs. But for some reason, i'm just not one of those girls. I can try, but it's just not me. Mediocracy taints every part of my body. And i hate it, i hate it so much. I want to be passionate, I want to learn. But my interests never follow through. So, then i end up at squuare 1 - just an average teenage girl.

I told myself the other day that i fim going to get through this i have to be completely, undeniably unapologetic for being me. I need to learn to accept the fact that i am just not like those other girls. That my opinions are as such and not everyone will understand. I always remind myself to keep it real. If you dont like it, you dont have to do it just because she likes it or he loves it. Because thats just plain stupid. But really, it's easier said than done. In today's world, the constant need to keep up with the rest of the world is precisely what's pulling so many back - myself included. Even my 16 year old sister is more riveting than i ever will be. See, there i go again comparing myself to others. This has to stop. They day i am actually proud of being myself, my opinions and my decisions - i will go places

But till then, just a 19 year old kid trying to sort herself out

X
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

smae direction, different train [Jun. 14th, 2015|06:45 pm]
onofthosenights
A convo between me and a friend. Yes this was all typed out on whatsapp. 17-20 speech bubbles worth of words - words as honest as a child's heart.

B: Deep down nut, you know youre a temporary gf emotionally. Till that one person takes him away. You then realise you were just you - a special someone to him but not the special one. Then you think you can never fall in love again. You will think you'll never meet someone like him agian. You lose interest in guys when you dont see him in them. You lose interest in love. When that person comes along, he wont know how much he hurt you because for him that gap has finally been filled but the gap he left in you will always be empty. They will always think of you with affection but not enough to fuel any higher forms of emotions.

Me: why do we do this to ourselves? I ask my self every night why i torture myself like this - "love" doesnt seem to be a substantial enough answer for me."

B: I think its becuase their hapiness will always be the most important thing, even before your own hapiness but thats what you tell yourself because when you make them happy you think everything is fine. But when someone else makes them happy and you watch from afar, you realise that you are just using their hapiness as a means of making yourself happy. I think its really sad. You give a piece of yourself to support them when they fall. They step on you to go higher while you fall. We always decide that enough is enough but we give in once they hurt a little because truth is, we will always have weakness for them.

I died, but misery loves company and i thank you for taking the words right out of my mouth, for understanding and for making me realise im not alone.

X
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

summer's here? [Jun. 2nd, 2015|01:35 am]
onofthosenights
2 hour bus ride, grey skies, light drizzle and a propbable 5 degrees outside got me thinking -

I'm an in-betweener
People dont love me
People dont hate me

I'm an in-betweener
They dont notice my absence
They dont mind my presence

I'm an in-betweener
with the comfort of not being hated
but the wound of being unwanted
my blood is tainted with mediocracy

I'm an in-betweener.
Is there a way out?

X
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [May. 7th, 2015|06:53 pm]
onofthosenights
People are so problematic.
Our minds are too transfixed on the future.
Our hearts are still stuck in the past.
We say live in the moment, but do we?

This is depressing.

x
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

one month. [Apr. 26th, 2015|06:30 pm]
onofthosenights
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Do you ever stare at someone, in the mids of laughing till your stomach hurts, and all of a sudden you realise how much you never want to let go of this friendship, but you know that its too much to ask for. To ask for an a friendship not bounded by time is one of the rarest things in life. This has been bothering me for awhile now. I'd look at a whatsapp convo with a friend where we are sharing our thoughts on everything, laughing at anything and the only thing seperating us - the physical distance lingering. I'd look and I'll suddenly draw back because recently I've been very cautious, making sure I dont get too attached, I dont start to expect because at the end of the day why set myself up for a fall that may actually vanquish the life in me. In the past 12 months alone ive witnessed friendships disintergerate into thin air, as if nothing was ever there. Hate it, but i really do take friendships with a pinch of salt now. Seeing far too many getting hurt because of lies being told, attachments that only make people grow further and drifting of two souls that thought they'd be close forever. Some may say that i'm thinking far too much, but for once in my life i dont think i am. Its just a way for me to make sure all areas are covered for when a friendship blows up in my face one day - im just preparing myself, making sure that when i fall of that cliff i have a parachute to cushion the fall. Im just being realistic. Im so done being pretentious and naive.

"People change. They end up having nothing to say to each other, even if they were best friends the year before."

On a side note,
a convo i had with my cousin over whatsapp the other day
(context: she has been seeing this chinese guy)
Me: And have you guys considered the whole converting thing?
Her: Yeah we have, we've visited  the convert association
Her: But, he has told me that he cant imagine a life without alcohol and pork.
Her: And all i told him was "it saddens me how little imagination you have."
Me: *speechless*
I dont think ive looked up to anyone more than i look up to her. She is so devoted to islam, her family, her individuality as a person. I know, im 19 and this is usually something a kid would say but, i wanna be just like her when i grow up. She really is the gem of the family and i wish her nothing but the best in whatever decision she makes. She wont see this but, i really will always support you no matter what happens in the end. And i hope you know its not only me you have to fall back on, everyone in our family is here for you. 
LinkLeave a comment

i wish i was more than what meets the eye [Mar. 23rd, 2015|09:26 pm]
onofthosenights
[Tags|]

I go through life hearing people's life stories. They share their ups and downs, their highs and lows. Stories that made them who they are today. I look back on my life, and i feel like everything ive been through is microscopic in comparison to what they've been through. I want to feel heartbreak, i want to feel accomplished, i want to feel alive, i want to feel dejected. I want all of it just so i will grow, just so i'll be more than just that average girl. I feel like in my mind, over time, this barrier has been built. This wall as high as the empire state building and as long as the great wall of china, prevents my personal thoughts from surfacing, it inhibits me from thinking out of the box. I tell myself "dont take anything at face value - question everything, wonder about it all." And yet, i sit here typing out this post unable to defy the norm, incapable of going against what most think. I get so easily influenced by what people project, I sometimes feel like i have no voice. Its like my life has been a series of waves, some tidal waves and some mere ripples. But somehow the tidal waves have got to me and my voice, my thoughts, my inhibitions are nothing but drowned out at sea.

im pretty sure i wasnt always like this, and i always wonder to myself "when exactly did i become like this?"

wish there was more to me than meets the eye.

In due time.

X
Nat

LinkLeave a comment

Nostalgia at its finest [Mar. 22nd, 2015|07:50 pm]
onofthosenights
One of those nights im feeling more nostalgic than ever. I'm just looking at all the year 3s who are graduating this year. It wasnt too long ago that they were just like us first years - first halloween, first spring ball, first snowfall in bristol and the list goes on. But now, in a matter of months they'll be graduating and to think that will be me in slightly more than 2 years sends chills down my spine. With the rate time is passing now, i dont even want to imagine how fast these 2 years will pass. The year 3s, they have this aura about them, they are so mature so sure of what they are going to do with their lives. Granted, this may all be a facade yet, i cant help but see my friends and i in 2 years time, will we have everything sorted out? Will we be as mature and level-headed as the seniors are? How much am i going to change in these few years? I already feel mysellf changing, for the better or worse, i'll let you know in a while. But for now i'd like to think its for the better.

//

19 in a few days time and for some reason, as the years go by i am starting to believe in the saying 'age is just a number' more and more. So many people of the same age, yet their actions vary so drastically. You have 19 year olds huddled in their own world avoiding the real world and you have 19 year olds carrying themselves with such fierce confidence. So tell me, when people say 'You're 19, time to act you age' what does that mean? The former or the latter?

Here's to maturing with time and not with age.

X
Nat
LinkLeave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]